Not sleeping or wrongly sleeping is one of my main areas of expertise. Either way, throughout the years I have found multiple ways to stay awake all night, leaving me looking like a zombie with purple circles under my eyes any goth person would be jealous of. This is not something I enjoy, I absolutely detest not sleeping. First of all, being exhausted makes me (like everyone else) VERY irritable. I’m talking “don’t you dare look at me or interact with me because I want to be left alone” irritable. Unfortunately, my mother or boyfriend are usually on the receiving end of this.
As if this weren’t enough, the medication I’m on also tires me out and makes it so that not only do I look like a zombie, but am often so lost in my head that I act like one too. Staring off into nothingness out of sheer tiredness is my speciality, to the point where my boyfriend constantly has to ask me if I’m okay, don’t feel well, thinking or just tired (yeah, he knows me).
Going back to the topic of sleeping, not only is my sleeping dysfunctional but also one of the reasons why I am so dysfunctional, and it has always been this way.
Even when I was too young to have memories, my parents told me I would hyperactively jump around refusing to sleep until I collapsed in a random spot of the house (usually the floor). Things of course got a lot more elaborated as I got older, especially as I discovered cell-phones. Especially in my pre-teens, the main reason why I wouldn’t sleep was because I kept my brain hyperactive by constantly checking my phone, tablet, playing games and doing anything which involved screens. Me being very sensitive to light and having trouble falling asleep, this was a secure recipe for insomnia.
Getting older, some smart doctors thought it wise to inform me about proper sleep hygiene and I stopped using electronic devices before trying to fall asleep, however my problems in no way stopped: they just changed. I started falling asleep, only to then wake up ten minutes later and not manage anymore. This is what got me into the cycle of sleep medication which has over the years proven itself absolutely useless.
Now, this is how it works. I will go to sleep between ten and midnight, making sure to take all my medication at the right times and making sure I don’t overdo it with caffeine or nicotine. Of course, I say go to sleep, but what I mean is lie in bed with my eyes closed trying to shut my brain up and feeling thoroughly and increasingly upset and frustrated. My brain is not very good at shutting up, to the point where I believe that it actually enjoys taunting me with songs stuck in my head, random thoughts, depressing reflecting and so on. I will NOT fall asleep before four and, usually, will wake up at least ten times between four and eight (requiring a cigarette and at least twenty minutes of contemplation before falling asleep each time).
In general, me and sleeping just don’t work. The truth is, my doctors believe my body is simply trying to keep me awake because of hunger (and has continued to resist all forms of medication). Nonetheless, after a long and stressful day it would be nice to be able to take a break before moving on to the next long and stressful day. Thanks a lot brain.
Yours sincerely,
Dysfunctional Girl
How NOT to be functional 