Anorexia: whisperings

This was written to try and express my thought processes as I fell into this trap and relapsed over and over again. Unfortunately it was a very heartfelt piece.

—

She’s telling me she knows how to fix me. She’s whispering into my ear, sweet words of hope. She’s promising numbness, absence of pain. She’s giving me the only thing that can keep me alive. All I need to do is one thing, and it’s fairly easy: lose some weight.

Alright, let’s try then.

“I don’t feel well.”

“I’m not that hungry.”

“I can’t finish this, I had a big lunch and I’m really full. Sorry mom.”

It wasn’t enough. She’s telling me I need to lose more. More, more, more… And faster.

“I already ate.”

“I’m not going to eat today.”

“I’m out for dinner, see you later.”

She screamed for even more. She told me I was failing, it wasn’t enough. I needed to push myself further.

“I ran 8km today.”

“I walked 27km.”

It was never enough for her though.

“I purged.”

“I took a triple dose of laxatives.”

“I’m taking diet pills. In huge amounts.”

That’s when I realized what it was I needed to do. She wasn’t hurting me, she was me. All I had to do was stop resisting. Suddenly it all made sense, this is the only important thing. I must lose weight. Nothing else matters to me anymore, all I can see is darkness. I’m navigating in a void, it’s the only beacon of light I can follow. She, I , am my saviour. Just a little more weight. It’s not long until I disappear and disintegrate in that same void that’s suffocating me. Not that long until I cease to exist. Just a little more. I’m not skinny enough, never skinny enough. I need to get lighter, smaller, thinner… I need to disappear. Not yet, I’m still fat. But I know it’s coming, or at least, I can only hope. I need to get skinnier and skinnier and skinnier. As close to nothing as possible.

—

Of course, I also disagree with myself. As strong as the impulse is, as strong as the voice is and as tempted as you are to give in, it is NEVER the best option. It is very difficult not to and looking for recovery is definitely harder than just giving in, however: the ray of hope that remains, the dream of a different life… That is what one must cling on to. I am still struggling, suffering and celebrating the tiny successes along with trying to understand the many failures. It is exhausting, frustrating and stressful, just to mention a few, but nonetheless worth it every second of the way. Eating disorders are diseases and, with help, time and patience they can be defeated!

Yours sincerely,

Dysfunctional Girl