How NOT to Be in a Relationship

I, like so many others, have had my fair share of messed up, wrong and just generally dysfunctional relationships. Whether it my or their fault, these partners often even somehow contributed to the issues that I now have. Nonetheless, I have learnt a few things, specifically: how NOT to be in a relationship.

1.Over-clinginess. I have had many problems with this due to my fear of abandonment, an issue which greatly influenced my adolescent years and is thankfully now more in control. This mistake makes for a very dysfunctional relationship. For example, thinking “I can’t eat, sleep or breathe” without the other person is definitely unhealthy and brings to over the top intense relationships which are often doomed to end. My fear of being without one of my exes in the past was such that I would cry for hours if he didn’t answer my texts and him knowing this let myself be emotionally blackmailed into sex. It is definitely better to be alone than in a harmful relationship that only causes pain. Best not get stuck in that kind of situation.

2.Over-jealousy. This second point is very linked to the first and often a consequence of it but this particular aspect deserves a special mention. I have found myself incredibly overly jealous and the problem is I wasn’t jealous about other girls (well, not only but that’s normal): I was also jealous of friends, an unknown girl my current boyfriend sat next to on the bus once and never again, a computer and in one particular instance a doctor’s appointment. When it does come to other girls, I am no less ridiculous. Whenever I knew the aforementioned ex was out with one of them (and to be honest I did have good reason to doubt) or clubbing, I would spend the entire time curled up in bed, desperate and working myself up to each time new sky-high levels of crippling, breath-taking anxiety. A little jealousy is okay but a lot is a disaster, for you and your partner.

3.Smothering. I am an anxious person and this is bound to make its way into my relationships, but when a missed call has you thinking your partner is dead, a sniffle makes you believe he has some incurable malady and a yawn has you convinced he’s overstressed and overworked it can be a little over the top. When my current boyfriend got sick for a few days three years ago (yeah, he has a great immune system. It only happened that once) I actually started smoking again because of the anxiety. He was in the mountains with no signal and those days were terrible for me, I simply assumed he was never going to get better and when he did a few days later and I reached him in the mountains, I coddled him to death. Best not act this way, it’s stressful.

4.Too big an age difference. This is a mistake which I have made repeatedly and which thankfully growing up became less and less important. A four year age difference is nothing strange, however when you are twelve to fourteen and your strangely intense relationships are with people four years older than you, it’s a recipe for trouble. At that age there is just too big a difference in maturity and, uhm, let’s call them physical needs. When the thirteen year old in question is extremely troubled, often hospitalised and confused, a whole lot of other problems can come up, because of this and because of exposure to certain things before one is ready. A huge mistake.

5.Narcissistic partner. Sometimes one just needs the strength to admit it to themselves: they are just an arm-piece and the only thing the other cares about is him/herself. In my case, I managed to actually find myself in a relationship with a person who suffered from narcissistic personality disorder, so I know what I’m talking about. Best leave these people, if you are in this situation (not necessarily with a partner who has a diagnosed illness, being full of themselves is enough) nothing good for you will come from it.

6.You just don’t like the partner. It happens. Sometimes you’re with the apparently perfect person: smart, accomplished, beautiful, kind… Yet for some reason you just don’t love them. I was once with a very nice girl who I had no valid reason for leaving therefore didn’t, ending up hurting her feelings even more when I eventually did for someone I did love. I get it, maybe you think the person will grow on you or you can make yourself love. You might simply be scared to be lonely and the partner is a complete asshole. There are many reasons but either way, someone is going to get hurt, so if you care about the other person (or yourself depending on the situation) you might want to give that a thought.

I hope you enjoyed the post and Happy Saint Valentine’s Day to you all, whether single or in a relationship! Yours sincerely and sending you lots of love,

Dysfunctional Girl