Impulses

Today I would like to talk about a very specific issue, impulses.

Ever since I started manifesting pathological behaviour, they have been a huge problem and have led to very dangerous behaviours on many occasions.

When I talk about impulses, I am referring to that series of self-harming actions that one may feel compelled to do for no logical reason, but at the same time they are felt with such strength that it is impossible not to act upon them.

There are many examples, self-harm being the most present in my past.

There was a time when I was slave to my impulses and acted almost solely upon them, thankfully now things are different. This doesn’t mean I’m out of danger though.

Sometimes I still act upon impulse and in a manner that is completely opposite to my goals and expectations for myself.

An example? Why, when happy and on a trip, did I feel compelled to steal prescription pills for high blood pressure on the pure assumption that they could make me lose weight? This was in a moment where I was actively trying to gain weight and definitely counterproductive for that.

I never took any, nonetheless I stole the pills from the cabinet and kept them.

These contradictory behaviours often have me wondering what precisely happens in those moments. It’s almost as if there are a few second in which all goes blank and I am completely unable to control my actions consciously.

Nonetheless, I remain glad that often (almost always actually), though I give in to my initial impulse, I am able to stop before I actually harm myself.

I am working hard on controlling this sort of behaviour and will continue trying. I just have to remember not to beat myself up about it: after ten years of illness there’s bound to be countless triggers for past behaviours.

It is important to be conscious about this tendency though, in order it manage not putting oneself in potentially dangerous situations and I therefore decided to share this with you, since I have been thinking about it quite a lot these last few days.

Yours sincerely,

Dysfunctional Girl