I’m going to be honest, my weak was f***ing shit. I was on a good track, I actually was feeling in a good place. I made it through the summer with my highs and lows (as was to be expected, I can try to cope, not eliminate the symptoms), school started, I somehow magically ended up meeting great people whom I’m becoming friends with, I love my classes and professors… Nonetheless, the week was horrible.
The main reason why this was can be explained in one very simple work: ANXIETY. To be precise (and a little more explicative), I find the definition EXCRUTIATING, NUMBING, MIND F***ING AND COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL GENERAL ANXIETY. Oh, wait! I didn’t mention the PANIC! Oh well, you get the point…
I spent the whole week in two states:
1. Completely anxiety ridden, impulsive, unhappy, easy to trigger and often provocative;
2. Completely panicked, scared, clingy and overpowered by inferiority complex and guilt complex.
To top it all off, I didn’t eat, pretty much at all. Again, and I can’t stress this point enough, I didn’t choose not to eat. I found myself not being able too. Many people just assume that anorexia nervosa is a choice. It isn’t, it’s a disorder which causes you to act in certain ways, against your judgement or deviating your judgement so pathologically that you think what you’re doing makes sense.
Me being provocative and generally nervous ALL THE TIME brought to a lot of fighting. With my mom, dad, even my boyfriend… and of course it’s always my fault (irony) because nobody seems to be able to realize just how unhappy I am about all of this and how much I wish it were literally any other way.
Random ranting aside, having a rough week is actually quite common. Yes, you go into remission, but big changes (like started a new school) can be destabilizing and trigger pathological coping mechanisms you’re used too.
In my case, I wish it were school. I actually have no idea what my problem is. The anxiety is so strong and irrational that I can’t seem to understand anything about it except that I really can’t take it anymore.
As explained in one of my last posts, I even had to get injections of delorazepam because I was so panicked it was detrimental to my living.
To top it all off (TMI alert for males who suffer from inborn social misogynism), I have my period and have had for the whole week! That’s not normal for me… five days is the limit, six has me desperate, seven has me wishing for my life to end. My hormones get messed up REALLY bad and it makes me even more nervous and insufferable, when I’m already nervous and insufferable.
Nonetheless, I have to admit that I’m proud of myself. Even though all the above stated is true: I went to all my classes, went out with my friends, wrote for the blog, finished my articles for work, went climbing, did my homework… There is a silver lining.
Had I been in this state (funk, mood or call it whatever you want) last year, I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish anything. I probably would have spent the whole week in bed unable to do anything and immobilized by the anxiety. There is progress, even when it’s hard to see it.
Am I going to suddenly snap out of it? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. But I do know that I will do anything to not end up hospitalized, finish the school year and get on with my life and dream of becoming a writer.
How NOT to be functional 
Hi! I like your writing, it’s honest and efficient!
I wonder how much time you spend on devices? I ask as I have teenagers and I recently listened to a great Australian podcast about the use of iPhones and an increase in anxiety! I know myself I feel wired if I’ve been on my phone too much, sometimes so involved I forget to eat!
I wish you a good week, with nourishing food and rest!
Kim x
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Hello, thank you for your comment! Devices have become a huge problem, people are completely dependent on them and the younger they are, the worse it seems to be. Personally, I seem to have the opposite problem: I NEVER check my phone, and people get frustrated at me because of this, but I do observe the general trend you’re talking about. I also think it’s reducing individuals attention span which is another great problem, we don’t know how to wait anymore.
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We recently moved to the States, and it’s apparent that people here go at a different speed and really don’t do “waiting”
I had an old man get really frustrated with me as I waited for someone to leave their parking space so that I could take it! He told me to move on, I was surprised at his lack of patience as I wrongly assumed an older person would go about life that little bit slower 😂
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Very descriptive post, I enjoyed that bit. Will there be a part 2?
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