Fighting Back!

Ever since school has started, I have been (not so slowly) slipping down that usual path which always brings me to hospitalization. First, it’s not eating breakfast. Then lunch, or any meal where you aren’t home. Then the meals where you are home… and so on, until I’m not eating anything, fainting randomly and just not working altogether.

That is exactly what happened these last few weeks, with the same almost annoyingly predictable pattern as usual. I found myself scared, worked up in self-harm, terrified of food, and for no good reason.

There being no good reason, I was frustrated. Extremely frustrate, therefore nervous. It became harder and harder to talk to me as I became more and more irrationally upset.

I reached my breaking point the day before yesterday: my boyfriend had fallen asleep instead of finishing his homework and was late picking me up from school… not very late, just five minutes…

I exploded, if that’s what you can call it. Either way, there was no reason in me, just bubbling anger, anxiety and hopelessness. When we arrived home I was still screaming, activity I had chosen for the car ride home. After a while, my parents tried to intervene, things only went downhill.

I got even more irrational, even more upset… I tried to runaway, got blocked, freaked out completely and tried to jump of the terrace. Thankfully my parents caught me and pulled me up, but it was a wake-up call: this wasn’t okay. I was in no way okay.

In the meantime, the doctors had already started talking about inpatient. I don’t want that though, this may have mimicked the last few years but things are different. I have a different boyfriend from last year, new school which I like, new friends and in general a lot of things I don’t want to lose.

I decided to fight back. Yesterday I didn’t go to school, instead I spent the day talking with my boyfriend to try and come up with a solution. Of course, there is no magic formula, but I wasn’t going to let myself be dragged down that wretched spiral again. We found something worth trying and my parents agreed to it.

Under an incentive, I will spend the next two weeks at home. The only cases in which I will leave the house are to see my doctors and classes, which I will be brought to and picked up from. Small breakfast, light lunch, normal dinner. Supervision during meals and no cheating. These are the rules. Time to split this cycle.

I started yesterday. Faithful to myself I did eat, as I did today. Did I enjoy it? No. It sucks, I feel guilty and just wish I could get rid of the awful feeling that follows it. Nonetheless I will continue, it’s necessary to once more get my life back on track.