I haven’t written in so long…

For some time now I have been struggling with depression. I had become too depent on my significant other and forgot I could live without him. Things got bad, really bad.

This is what sucks about Borderline Personality Disorder. You know the mistakes you’re making, you can see them, yet you can’t control them.

It’s as if you were a small sailboat in a storm of emotions, struggling to upright. A famous psichiatrist who dedicated her life to studying this disorder used an analogy which is very dear to me:

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”

It’s true. A single sentence can break a person down. Honestly: it’s agonising and, during a lockdown, not manageable for anyone involved.

I lost myself. School was my safety net, my distraction… all of the sudden I was left alone with my thoughts. I needed help and I got so angry at my boyfriend for not helping me. I know it’s not that he didn’t want to: the stress was on him too.

We fought, a lot, over everthing. Things got worse and worse for both of us, by the last few days I was either crying or completely dissociated (spaced out).

Yesterday was our breaking point. I reacted, on impulse, out of desperation… and broke his computer screen. I didn’t want to, not really, but when all you feel is pure agonising pain rationality isn’t you strong point. He decided he needed a break. I wasn’t capable of dealing with the situation so here I am: back in the ward.

Truth be told, I needed it. I wasn’t able to handle the situation and needed help only the hospital could offer.

Also, I’ve realized: this blog is important to me. When I’m depressed I tend to become a fairly useless lump in bed whose primary activity is staring into a blank white void. I couldn’t find the strenght to write, but forcing myself to is important and good for my recovery and future. I therefore promise not you readers, but myself, that I will post more actively. Not everday, but at least a couple of times a week, more if I feel up to it.

Some people may wonder how I’m feeling after going back inpatient? Not even I know, definitely exhausted. Sad. Abandoned. But I know it’ll pass and can only hope this will help me get my life back on track.

A lot of us suffer, many more with what’s happening in the world. The lockdown has been hard on everybody, espescially those with pre-existing psychiatric issues. Nobody seems to notice though; as usual, mental health is underestimated.

Nonetheless, we’re not alone, There are others like us, capable of understanding and helping us feel less lonely. That is why I always insist on calling us a community.

Yours Sincerely,

Dysfunctional Girl