The past and (in some countries) current lockdowns have generated various mental health issues. Rates of depression, anxiety and paranoia are sky high, even in those who don’t usually suffer from mental illness.
This is not my case: well, I struggled a lot so it is, but I have a pre-existing condition which completely blew up when I found myself locked in my home.
Here I am going to share my experience with these difficult times.
First of all, I have to be true to myself and say that I wasn’t doing well even before the lockdown started. My eating was stable, but I was slipping in school; feeling depressed… Worst of all, absurdly dependent on my boyfriend to the point I couldn’t let him have a part time job.
When I started eating my BPD idealised him and I found myself listening to every word he said. This is a common symptom of BPD, but destined to pass as soon as you perceive you have been hurt by the person in question (and I say perceive because often the individual doesn’t actually maliciously hurt you).
In December I had started to bounce back and forth between seeing him as my angel and my torturer, a very stressful dichotomy for my mind.
Nonetheless, the external elements in my life such as my school and psychologist helped and I managed to cope (with a few very bad panick attacks and fights).
With the lockdown, I lost all external elements. He was the only thing left; only one capable of making me feel better. He couldn’t deal with this. It’s hard to be a person’s everything and he crumpled under the pressure. I didn’t give him space to breathe (not intentionally of course, I would drastically panic as soon as he left) and the situation kept on getting worse.
Towards the beginning of the lockdown, I took an entire box of “fevarin” and was rushed to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. This was the beggining of a not so slow downhill spiral.
Since he felt suffocated, he became distant. I panicked and became anxious and panicked. I convinced myself he didn’t love me, only cared about himself and wanted to hurt me. I was scared.
I kept begging him to help but he couldn’t. He would just sit quietly and wait for me to stop lashing out.
That is until, last Monday, during a particularly bad moment of destructive impulsiveness, I broke his computer screen. Needless to say I feel extremely guilty.
He cracked and left. I was admitted to the hospital.
We haven’t broken up, we’re only taking a break and still talking to eachother. Things are better between us which brings me piece of mind. I am calmer having been able to concentrate on myself and will be dismissed Thursday morning.
I can only hope this can be a new start for a more functional relationship… I will do all in my power to make it so.
Yours sincerely,
Dysfunctional Girl
How NOT to be functional 