Spiralling

TW for ED’s.

She could feel the numbness taking over. Usually, one can assume absence of anger is a good sign. Nonetheless, she tried to concentrate on how his attention wasn’t on her and winced in frustration when it solicited no response.

It wasn’t selfish, she didn’t want to get angry and lash out; it was  a necessary evil for her to survive. One too many times she had suffocated her anger and as she feared, it was going away. True: she felt better. She also knew it was temporary; she hadn’t solved anything, she didn’t feel less hurt. She had forced herself into acceptance and turned down the volume on her thoughts, voluntarily choosing to ignore the pain.

Now, she merely felt off. Literally, not figuratively: she felt as if she had been turned off. Her tauntalizing streams of thoughts were almost at a halt as her head came to an ominous silence. She no longer felt pain because she no longer felt and, meanwhile, she could hear a little voice in the back of her head.

She had been triggered, it was because of that. At least, she was convinced that was why, but deep down she knew. This wasn’t the first day, it had been appearing whenever she felt stressed for a week or so
The voice only comes back when she’s repressing too much, and she knows it. She also feels it might be a little too late. It may no longer be an “if”, but a “when”.

Now she’s sitting at the table, staring at her green salad, inexplicable scared. She tries to take a bite, but it feels odd in her mouth: wrong. She’s been here before and knows what it means: she’s spiralling back into her old habits.

Maybe this time she’ll find the strength to stop herself in time.

Dysfunctional Girl